Division in your couple creates deep wounds in the fabric of your relational patterns. Division is a disease of the relationship that can be compared to HIV/AIDS. A couple that can not work together is one that is susceptible to much more disaster as the relationship age. In HIV/AIDS, the immune system grows weaker and weaker. Once the antibodies are attacked and killed, the body has no way to defend causing the human body to become its own trap. Bacteria and viruses that are in the environment may be blocked off and defended against by the body, but the scenario does not apply to the infected individual.
A couple that struggles with division is one that have no walls against the pressures outside of their relationship. Other couples face similar and even more difficult issues than the at risk couple but because they work as one, the results can be healthy. Healthy couples possess resilience. Healthy couples heal quickly. This quick response to pessimistic issues is the respond and repair syndrome that can be compared to the immune system of a human.
The immune system takes on the foreign agents in the body and seeks to maintain balance without much thought from innate. This system of maintaining balance is what keeps an individual healthy. With couples, this same syndrome operates amongst the healthiest. Persons respond and seek to repair the ill spoken issues to make the couple better. This can be viewed as the equilibrium process. Any foreign pattern that presents in the relations of the couple is challenged by one or both members.
The equilibrium process in the couple presenting divisional issues is in itself unhealthy. The couple has already formed an unhealthy pattern of daily relational skill building and will need some guidance into what a healthy relationship is like. In some couples, the presenting issue may be deeper and therefore it is necessary to redact the focus on the individuals.
To focus on the individual is the most important piece of discovery that will eventually forge a new way of thinking for the future of the couple. Individual therapy from a solution focused endeavor would be ideal when attempting to work with a couple to see and meet the needs of the deadly pattern.
A good idea about the couple presenting with divisional issues is to formulate a more scientific opinion as the therapist by using metrics.
An idea about the working couples’ relationship would be to focus on the communication and support system. Either one or both members may appear dominant. Traditional roles versus familial roles are also a focus as these beliefs dictate the manner in which these roles are played out in the couple. Punishment with reward may be present, each member of the couple may attempt to control the other through holding back on things like intercourse, affection, traditional daily chores and other areas that may be of interest to the other; such actions are unloving and unholy!
In some cases, a member of the couple may use their jealousy as fuel to destroy the reputation of the otherwise accomplished member. Extreme cases involve one spouse fantasizing about the other’s affairs inappropriately as a means to use this information to attack them later. This is an unhealthy relationship. The jealous spouse syndrome stops at nothing to get the job done. Exposure usually intercepts this type of behavior as the jealous spouse turns over a new leaf to avoid future embarrassment.
Failure of the opposite spouse is another anomaly of division and is the vehicle for the domination game within the relationship. To settle the score amongst each member, both should adopt grace as the principle motivating factor for relational growth. Towards the counselor, the couple must be transparent and full of integrity so that they can be guided in the right goals for sponsorship success. The domination game must end and the couple must for the first time in their history grow towards agreement.
Change is often a tough road to take in a life path. As a couple, change becomes difficult as two persons diverge on a path of unfamiliar feelings and experiences. A setback may easily surface between the road taken and the innate storage of memories and hidden agendas that were developed as safety nets. The walls of safety must be destroyed as new ones are developed. Grace is the motivating force which moves individuals to behave as good slaves for a new master. Slaves move in anticipation of their masters next call. Couples must also move in anticipation of their next best challenge toward a healthier life path.
A rule of thumb in developing a better relationship among couples with divisional issues is to read the other’s needs as their own. Di- means that the couple is selfishly having an individual vision. To build the couples vision, each partner must see the other’s needs as priority. A problem in role playing can be the enemy to creating a unified vision with the couple. Roles often interfere with how well one may contribute to that optimistic side of the relationship. Remember where the couple has enjoyed viewing the failure of each other, there was a negative cycle of reward in which was targeted in session and broken. The new role of each member is to celebrate the success of each other and use this energy to foster stronger ties within the couple’s framework. Creating a unified vision eradicates the need pessimistic relational patterns.
Deep wounds take time to heal. It is important that the couple be able to predict ‘good’ after focusing on unity in the new relational pattern. This is necessary in divisional issues, as fighting couples have lost sight of why they are in a covenant relationship. Thus the act of grace allows acceptance of each member’s past mistakes that may present itself in future challenges. Deep wounds in the couples’ relational pattern need expert assistance to heal properly. The couple must accept, forgive, and forget what was seen as a past threat by charging those acts to grace.
Finally, the couple must be acceptable and accountable towards each other. It is no mistake that they are together, even if they are not the soul mate type. Every relationship, across social systems and kin ships are coined by relational systemic patterns that send and receive messages for successful transmission. Without the successful transmission of communication, a relationship could not be maintained. Therefore, a couple can stay together with much work on their behalf. If the couple refuses to do the work, then it is wise to make the choice to end the couple. Count up the cost!
A prayer for you and your spouse:
Father God, Thank you for meeting my deepest needs within the role of humanity. You have provided for me a soul with whom I can share my blessed life in the earth with. Father, help me to see the weaknesses in our couple so that I may accept your wisdom in healing those areas. I realize that the couple is the foundation of the family in the earth and we must be healthy to build stronger families that reverence your perfect will for us. I thank you for allowing me to see how your plan for the kingdom of Heaven and our couple are similar. Both relationships require work, as Jesus waits for the day the church will be presented as spotless before you. I will keep my focus of the grace you gave towards mankind and extend it in my couple, patiently awaiting the day our couple finally grows into maturity. Thank You Father God! AMEN
October 11, 2012